Forget our fixation with pasta and pizza, the hand gestures, loud voices and our impeccable sense of style for a momentā¦
These are all relatively accurate stereotypes but Italians have a lot more quirky obsessions that make them unique in the worldā¦(and by unique I mean easy to make fun of š).
Italians seem to be the most delicate nationality. Weāre incredibly self-aware people and our bodies are mysteriously extra sensitive to changes in internal or external temperature, pressure and overall condition.
Like weāre human thermo-barometers or something.
A gust of cold wind hereā¦and boom: indigestion! An unwanted draft here, boomā¦neck pain! Too much sweat? Boomā¦fever! Walking out with wet hair? Boomā¦you catch a cold! Spicy food? Boomā¦stomach cramps! A bad smell? Boomā¦nausea! Cold air on your nose? Boomā¦nasal congestion!
The outside world is a very dangerous place to Italiansā¦
Which is why itās always easy to spot an Italian traveling anywhere in the worldā¦especially in relatively colder places. Itās not because theyāre wearing Armaniā¦.itās because theyāre wearing an insulated bomber jacket with a full fledged hoodie made of āextra virginā goose feathers...by Armani. Il piumino! Brrrā¦.che freddino!
And vice versa, Italians will give you a funny look if youāre wearing flip flops and a tank top in late spring or early autumnā¦when itās already too ācoldā in Italy for Italian standards.
Over the centuries, this extreme sensitivity to cold led Italians to develop some unique and geographically enclosed illnesses that no one else on the planet ever experiences for some mysterious reason.
So buckle up, as weāre about to enter the mythical world of Italian-specific afflictions.
1) L'indigestione
Weāll start with the most common Italian disease ā lāindigestione ā you guessed it right, thatās indigestion. We Italians are obsessed with food (both cooking and eating it) so itās no surprise that our favorite organs are the stomach and the intestine. All of our emotions go through those. We talk openly and extensively about our digestive process and itās no surprise that indigestion is incredibly feared.
Hereās what the Mayo Clinic lists as common causes of indigestion:
- Overeating or eating too quickly
- Fatty, greasy or spicy foods
- Too much caffeine, alcohol, chocolate or carbonated beverages
- Smoking
- Anxiety
- Certain antibiotics, pain relievers and iron supplements
And hereās what Italians think the most common cause of indigestion is: āho preso freddoā... It was a bit cold hence I got indigestionā¦
Il freddo (cold air) does not cause indigestion!
2) La congestione
Which leads me to the nightmare of every Italianās childhood ā la congestione ā meaning if youāre at the beach and bathe within 3 hours of eating, blood will stop flowing to your stomach (allegedly due to the sea water being coldā¦which is never the case in the scorching Italian summer); it will cause it to constrict, and youāll drown. Speaking of Italians being dramaticā¦
OK, Iāll admit there is some medical truth in there, where consuming an icy cold drink after a meal in extreme heat, or throwing yourself off an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic may literally shock your stomach (plus itās dangerous, donāt do it!)
But Italians take it to the extreme and torment their children who need to suffer for 3 hours in baking weather under the parasol on the beach, before they can touch the sea water againā¦been there, done that. Not fun!
3) Il raffreddore
Ah poiā¦.il raffreddore ā OK guys, I think we can ALL agree that the common cold is caused by a virus. (I mean I say we can ALL agree, but then look what happened with that other virusā¦)
But noā¦Italians believe that raffreddore is caused by a raffreddamento of the air (meaning, the air getting colder).
So allegedly you catch a cold when you walk outside with your hair wet; when you stand outside without a jacket (il piumino, remember?), or whenā¦wait for itā¦you sweat but are not wearing a vest underneathā¦.that is the maglietta della salute (literally the t-shirt of health).
You heard it correctly, sweating in cold weather will result in a coldā¦but only in Italy.
When I was back home last year I caught Covidā¦and my auntie told me it was probably because when I picked her up she noticed I wasnāt wearing a jacketā¦while driving. In May!! It must have been that terrible air conditioning (one of Italiansā main enemies).
4) Lo spiffero e il torcicollo
Speaking of enemies and still on the topic of air temperatureā¦ a draft is possibly an Italianās worst nightmare, Lo spiffero, mamma mia!! More than pineapple on pizza, trust me. Itās pure kryptonite!
Italians do not tolerate sitting at a restaurant and having a cold draft coming from the door. Brrr! Or being on a bus with an open window blowing air on them. Or driving with the A/C blasting on their neckā¦
This is because cold air not only causes indigestion, congestion, and the coldā¦but also ā first and foremost ā il torcicollo.
Thatās Italian for stiff neckā¦but way more dramatic sounding: ātorcereā means āto wrenchā and ācolloā is āneckā. So basically a draft is āneck-wrenchingā.
Despite me having lived abroad for over 15 years, this āconditionā is so ingrained in my DNA (well, most likely in my psyche), that I am still unable to sit in a restaurant that has draft. I will ask to be moved to a different table, or else Iād rather leave. The draft wonāt give me a torcicollo, but will definitely upset me and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. We like to consume and enjoy food in a comfortable, welcoming, and warm environment. Thatās non-negotiable and I will not argue with that.
Cold air can also cause back pain, apparently. Last summer, I had a friend visiting from Italy for a week and she and her boyfriend slept on a perfectly functional and comfortable inflatable bed in my living room. One morning I woke up and she was standing there wearing a heated pad all around her abdomen, and Iām like āwhat the hell is that?ā And she goes like: āthe air inside the air mattress is cold and is giving me back painā.
And Iām like āGurl, please, youāre 50 years away from being in your 80sā¦Itās too early for that!ā
Needless to say weāre no longer friends. What a pain in the neckā¦and no, not the torcicollo kind!
5) Il colpo della strega
But you know what type of back pain is not caused by cold air? Il colpo della strega ā which hilariously translates as the āwitchās blowā.
That ās what Italians call pulling your back out, as if it was some sort of witchery or something. Go figure!
6) Il malocchio
But it only gets better. Speaking of witchery and the occult, another Italian-only tragedy is il malocchio. Thatās when someone ā usually a strega, a witch (also intended metaphoricallyā¦) jinxes you with a bad spell.
Malocchio (where āmalā means āevilā and āocchioā is āeyeā, so āevil eyeā) is a superstitious condition characterized by misfortune, unluckiness, negative energy and sometimes illness.
Oh yes, Italians can be astonishingly superstitiousā¦
7) Un accidente
Then thereās the milder and more generic accidente ā like "copriti bene che sennĆ² ti prendi un accidenteā (ācover yourself up or else youāll catch something / catch your death / take a chillā).
Accidente is a catch-all term that means any illness you could possibly get, but usually something mild like a cold or the flu (a note to Italians: the flu, short for influenza ā is also caused by a virus, not by cold temperatures).
8) Il calo di zuccheri
And finally, my favorite of all time. That condition only Italians seem to lament. It will make them feel particularly tired, perhaps dizzy, and in the worst possible scenario (which to Italians is ALL the time) faint.
Iām talking about the infamous, super contagious, and nearly deadlyā¦calo di zuccheri.
Ah, il calo di zuccheri. It literally translates as āsugars dropā and it refers to having low blood sugar. You guessed it right: that happens when Italians havenāt eaten enough. Which is why we eat all the time, or else the entire peninsula would be covered in fainted bodies with not enough sugar in their blood streams.
Mangia, mangiaā¦che sennĆ² ti viene un calo di zuccheri. But donāt eat too much or youāll get indigestion! Eating in Italy is a fine balance between losing your sensesā¦and purging.
Oh Italians! So strong and opinionated, and yet so exceptionally frail and vulnerable. Vulnerable to cold weather, wind, fog, rain, drafts, low-calorie diets and even air mattresses.
Thatās why if you really want to get to an Italian heart, you wonāt give them wine, flowers or other presents. Oh noā¦! Youāll gift them a heavy jacket; a woolen scarf; a draft-shielded restaurant dinnerā¦or even a down duvet, if youāre feeling generous.
Because you know whatā¦we may not know much about modern medicineā¦but we know we like to keep our bodies warm and our bellies full š.
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Grazie for reading and see you soon!
Marco Danesi,
Professional draft-fighter
